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Full-time College Student, Full-time Mom, Conservationist, Nature Lover, & Eighties Baby. I believe in looking forward, and not dwelling in the past. There's nothing one can do to change the past, but everything one can do about their future!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

"What I Am Is What I Am"

I used to love that song by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians...

I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog

Choke me in the shallow waters Before I get too deep
What I am is what I am

Are you what you are or what?
What I am is what I am Are you what you are or

Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks
Religion is a light in the fog ...

What I am is what I am Are you what you are or what? What I am is what I am Are you what you are or what you are and What I am is what I am Are you what you are or what?
Don't let me get too deep Don't let me get too deep Don't let me get too deep Don't let me get too deep ..................

And you know what? I still don't know if I know what I mean!

With every passing day, every drama surpassed, every hurdle cleared, I gain more and more knowledge to see things from more perspective. This makes for even more difficulty in making choices. You see, most times I know how things are going to turn out, but have learned not to project the possible negative outcome by fixating on it, etc, (insert more of my very own astonished half-witted psychobabble here).

Growing older is such an interesting experience. In all of my bufuddlement and my mental "wtf just happened?", I also have clarity. Like, it doesn't matter if I don't wear makeup to the grocery store, that no one besides those directly involved really cares if I can pay my rent or not, you can't choose your family members but you can choose how you deal with them, that almost every single person in this world is out to get the most rewards while doing the littlest possible to earn/deserve it. I am starting to understand why "grumpy" normally accesorizes"old" as a descriptor for the elderly.

Anyway, I found some things of mine that survuved my near-miss relocation to Cortland (where the kids and I packed all our really important favorite stuff and Tony took it and we never got it back), and found myself highly entertained. I have a Loch-Ness type drawing that I converted into a coloring sheet from when I was 15 that is available on Etsy and a nude self-portrait I did when I was 18 and a Dominatrix illustration I did in 2005.

I recently have been drawing what I call "sweetness and light, nice-nice"... I had stifled this other part of me. Ohhh, there was SO Much wildness (performed safely and responsibly) in my younger life. I don't deny this. I am a very nice PTA type, walk 2 miles a day and dinner's-on-the-table-at-7-every-night kind of lady now... but I bet on a sunny day, you can catch the glint in my eye.... LOL ... I have decided to embrace the fragile creature with the iron facade I once was and just leave her be, content in the past, and move on.

I no longer will stifle myself. I survived all of that (you can't even IMAGINE), and when I am 55 will be writing the novel... until then, there will be previews that slip out onto paper by way of pencil or brush :)

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1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for sharing! I know its hard to put yourself out there like that sometimes. Hugs!!